


heroes for ghosts

by apolliades



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Affection, Couch Cuddles, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 13:52:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16975800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apolliades/pseuds/apolliades
Summary: "You ain't dead, Buck.""How can you be so sure?"





	heroes for ghosts

“You ever hear that saying?”  
  
Just past three in the morning they’re on the sofa together in the dark, Bucky’s back to Steve’s chest, cocooned with Steve’s arms around his ribcage and his hips pressing dents into the soft inside of Steve’s thighs. Nightmares woke them up again: Bucky’s this time. They both get them, but the thing is that Bucky’s are loud enough to scream them both awake. Steve’s tend to be quiet, at least on the outside, and no matter how much Bucky asks him to Steve won’t wake him.

I don’t need to wake you, he insists every time, I just need to see you. I’m fine as long as I can see you. He’ll smile, nudge Bucky’s cheek. And you don’t have to be awake for that.

“What saying?” Steve’s voice is muffled and rustly where his mouth is squashed behind Bucky’s ear.

“‘The dead only know one thing.’” He turns his head a little, but he isn’t looking for Steve’s eye. He’s staring across the dim room, out past the streetlight glow, to something a thousand yards away. Steve knows the stare well, but he’ll never know what Bucky sees at the end of it; everyone’s thousand yards leads somewhere different. “‘It’s better to be alive.’”

Steve’s palm is heavy and warm against Bucky’s sternum, tucked inside his vest. His thumb tickles slightly as it drifts along his collarbone. “I’ve heard it,” he says softly.

“D’you think it’s true?” Bucky asks. He lets his head fall back to meet Steve’s shoulder; Steve presses his face in against the exposure of Bucky’s neck. It feels unbelievable sometimes that after everything, Bucky trusts him enough to bare his throat to him. The swell of his jugular is almost imperceptible under Steve’s lips, but he finds it and kisses there instead of answering. Bucky’s skin tastes of salt from the cold sweat in which he woke. “‘cause I ain’t so sure.”

Bucky’s breath rattles out of him. Steve feels it in his own chest, presses Bucky closer against him, rocks them both gently like he’s soothing a child. Bucky’s hand comes to cover his own. His skin is clammy.

“You ain’t dead, Buck,” Steve tells him, whispers it into his shoulder as they slowly sway.

“How can you be sure?” Bucky twists to look at him now. His eyes are huge and dark, almost wild.

“Bucky.” Steve knows the feeling, though. It’s something he’s asked of himself too, more than once.

“I feel like I am.”

Gently, Steve works his hand out from under Bucky’s, switches their positions so his is on top. Holding firm, he guides their hands to Bucky’s heart, lays his palm there flat. “You feel that?”

Bucky makes a wet sound that walks a fine line between a sob and a laugh. Weakly: “You always gotta be so literal?”

He can feel it, though, his heartbeat. A little too fast still with fear that’s yet to fade. Steve presses his hand tighter against him. “Feel it?”

“Yeah.”

Steve's grip around him tightens, so much for a moment it almost hurts. His mouth crushes hotly against Bucky’s shoulder. It’s enough to make his eyes close and his breath sigh; it’s enough to make them both tremble. “That’s how,” he says. His voice is quiet but fierce, as though he speaks a divine, unimpeachable truth, fervent and perfect. As though his word is gospel. “That’s how I know. You’re alive.”

**Author's Note:**

> many thanks to my co-author stanley kubrick couldn't have done it without you man x
> 
> (and also of course to mia @lapoesieestdanslarue - mo leannan a tha daonnan a' toirt taic dhomh 's e do ghràdh a tha a' cumail orm a dhol)


End file.
